我的心情起伏 - 内心世界 - 感情地带

LESSONS FROM THE GEESE

2010-08-22T01:19:00.000+08:00

By Robert McNeish, former Assoc. Superintendent of Baltimore Public Schools, 1972

We live in an area where geese are very common. We see them coming in the Fall and leaving in early Spring. Their migration is an awesome sight.

There is interdependence in the way geese function.

FACT: As each bird flaps its wings, it creates an "up lift" for the bird following. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew alone.

LESSON: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the thrust of one another.

FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to fly alone, it quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the "lifting power" of the bird immediately in front.

LESSON: If we have a much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those who are headed where we want to go.

FACT: When a goose gets tired, it rotates back into formation and another goose flies at the point position.

LESSON: It pays to take turns doing the hard tasks and sharing leadership. People, as with geese, are interdependent with each other.

FACT: The geese in formation honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed.

LESSON: We need to make sure our "honking" from behind is encouraging, not criticism or something less helpful.

FACT: When a goose gets sick or wounded or shot down, two geese drop out of formation to follow him down to help and protect him. They stay with him until he is either able to fly again or dies. They then launch out again and join another formation or catch up with their flock.

LESSON: If we have as much sense as the geese, we will stand by each other.

Article to share : Relationships

2010-08-20T01:17:00.000+08:00

This is a very good article. Those who are still single may learn something from here...Those who are already married may take it as a guideline to improve your marriage & relationship ...

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, 'How do I know if I married the right person?'I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, 'It depends. Is that your husband?'In all seriousness, she answered 'How do you know?'

Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse/partner. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked theiridiosyncrasies (unconventional behavior/habit).

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have toDO anything. That's why it's called 'falling' in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, 'I was swept off my feet.' Think about the imagery of that __expression.It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happenedTO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria (excitement) of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse'sidiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you willnotice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, 'Did I marry the right person?' And as you and your spouse reflect on theeuphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else.You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):

THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVERjust happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the __expression 'the labor of love.'Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships.Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationshipWILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can 'make'love.

Love in marriage is indeed a 'decision'... Not just a feeling.Remember always this:

'God determines who walks into your life.It is up to you to decide who you let to walk away,who you let to stay, and who you refuse to let go.

sociophobic

2010-06-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

i still find that no point being nice
i still find that i have predjudice against certain kind of people
i still find that im not good enough even how much i have done
i still find that i still stick very strong to my beliefs
i still find that....

im not a good person.

NO GOOD!

selfish, demanding, stubborn, bias, irrational, emotional, inconsiderate, evil.... n more
i just not what i appear to be.

devil and angel is differentiate by just a thin line.

im so in the grey section. sigh.

the moment i can start having meals on my own is the moment i wont have any more unnecessary ppl in my life anymore....

im starting to have human phobia...

me

2010-05-24T01:03:00.000+08:00

things happen for a reason
people are there for a lesson.

from her i see my good
from him i see my faults.

here is my learning ground.
but after all the lessons

it will be time
to move on.

i want my property license
i want my insurance license
i want my big big money
- at my own pace -

but before i get all those
i got to learn all the techniques
the techniques to survive and prosper.

i will have a life, i call the shots
i will have a life, i have the control
i will have a life, the way i want it.

first thing first,
hello, where my driving license and my car?

uniquely special.

2010-05-18T01:02:00.000+08:00

for someone who doesnt like doing sales and told herself that she will never get into sales job ever in her life.
by chance she came here
by choice she stayed on
by destiny that she met you.
in a way, her friend brought her in and gave that chance.
the chance to meet you, the chance to let you change her life.
how someone could impact that much in a person, it's fate.
fated that they met, fated that things going to change.

in by mistake,
stayed by decision.

the thought of having a friend to work together made her came fore to this supposedly avoided job.
1 month later, friend left.
she thought that her boss was nice.
she thought that she felt unknown comfort here.
she thought that they are short-handed and not as if she cant work.
so she decided to stay to help her nice boss.

(she's one who usually friend left, will have the urge to leave together because she felt uncomfortable. however, she, unknowingly found some special comfort here and she's glad she found.)

she understand how depressing it is when people comes and go
she understand how it feels to stand alone fighting
she understand how one need support in tough times
so she cant bear to leave her boss in lurch, she stayed.

time goes by,
path is shown that her decision was right.
she gained a nice boss, a nice friend that she knows she will remember and cherish for life.

days are wonderful, sweet and memorable.
she admires her, adore her, respect her, look up to her.
she wants to provide more than just what a colleague does.
A friend.
she knows she will be hurt, knowing and unknowingly.
given the different character each had.
however, in order to let this unique friend went pass just like that,
she go against the odds to avoid any regrets in future.

(she, never wants to leave her life with regrets which up till now, hasnt got any, what more this time)

true enough,
she got hurt every now and then due to her sensitiveness.
she cried every now and then due to other's insensitiveness.
she knew she had to go through this because she chose it.
she had no one to blame.

she doesnt like other's to really know what she's feeling.
she wants to show others the way other wish to see
she wants to speak the way other wish to hear.
she always feel that other's happiness is more important than hers
especially of people she deem importance.

she can cry like a baby like nobody's business
the next moment she can be as nice as though nothing had happen.
just for the fear of losing what's important the moment she shown her trueself.

she knows that moment of anger can cause moment of folly.
therefore she always project the good and swallow the bad.

slowly,
the comfort she was depending on, moved on.
she was devastated.
she thought, what was the point of staying anymore?
she lost what was important to her sight.

time proven, surprisingly,
what was important to sight,
was important to mind as well.

she continued to work hard.
she knew her comfort was just nearby,
as long as she worked hard
comfort is within reach.
most important is, as long as she is here, her comfort will come back.

Lord grant wishes for people who want it bad enough.
it almost felt as though miracles do exist.
from a distance till comfort within reach.
even though it's not exactly of reach but Lord is kind.
she thought to herself, she should be contented.
Lord though did not grant the way she wants it to but He tried his best.

no one see the shine she had on her face.
no one see how overjoyed she was
no one see how grateful she felt
when she persevered and she was given what she wanted.

she was glad she still can be nice to her friend.
she was glad she still can be there for her friend.
she was glad she still lingers around her friend.
she was... still is... very very glad and appreciative.

(she is a very clingy friend. she wants to stick to with her friend and she doesnt just stick to anyone except someone close to heart.)

so clingy,
she was afraid that her friend will be annoyed.
she was afraid that her friend will not be happy.
she was afraid that her friend will find her irritating/pestering.

sensitive, uncertainty, worries, fears
at times she had so much of those,
she never do what she wanted to
she never say what she wanted to
just afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.

foundation isnt build from stretch,
she had her fears and worries.
she hate rejections as well.
it crippled her. it builds a wall for her to not move forward.
so she, rather not do, not say a single thing.
and because it hurts to get rejections in not the way she could take it.

she treasures those safe keep friendship she build.
she wants to feel something from her friends.
she wants a place in their heart, not just lingering outside.
she matters quality way more than quantity.

days as per normal.
she continued to work hard,
to stay within this compound.
to continue to have her comfort,
have her friend.

however, she did wonder.
if her friend is no longer within this compound,
what will she do.
does she still have a purpose to stay here?
does it still matters if she stay here?
is it still important to her anymore?

to see the sight of her friend leaving,
she thought...
might as well she leave first.
perhaps it will be less heartwrenching.
because... she knows she wont be able to take it... and to continue to work as per normal.

she is very thankful because of her friend, she found this kind of unexplainable comfort.
this kind of satisfactions at work, she never thought she would have.
just because of one person, it brings her to another kind of heaven, to a staircase of hopes and dream fulfiling moments.

her friend might not know what exactly she had done to her.
but whatever she had done cant be seen, it got to be felt and understand.
that is why, she is an angel to her. she can be seen as a light of hope in her life.

she believe, when the time her friend leave her side, it's when she has to be or already trained to be independent. things happen for a reason and she always believe whoever she is close with or she likes, have a purpose or responsiblity to guide her in her life. some are just passby advisers, some are lifetime advisers. which do you wish to be?

friends are your teacher in life.
knowing her friend, builds her character, builds her mind, her heart.
that is why no matter what happens, she will be there for her.
no matter what happens.....

she gains a teacher, motivator, friend.
her friend gains a true blue loyal friend.

i dreamt of u

2010-05-02T01:00:00.000+08:00

2/5 morning.

i saw you and i didnt bother and walk past.
me and another friend went around walking and i saw you and yr TMs went into a restaurant but i think you guys didnt quite like it and walked out shortly.
however, the moment i saw u, i turned and walk away quickly.
walked... there's a door infront and i pulled it, got a shock, you are just behind it.
you said Hi but i was so shy and just smiled.
suddenly out of nowhere, you gave me a paper bag and you said its for me.. and you left shortly.
opened it up, it was a baby-liked tatty bear. it's very cute though.
afterwhich i woke up.

the moment when i woke up, i didnt felt happy over the present.
instead i felt that tinge of sour-ness.
it came right after i saw you guys walking in, into the restaurant.

it didnt feel good at all this time round.
my dreams of you usually turn into a sweet n pleasant one.
not this time round. hmph!
sour sour. still sour. roars!!!! it's stupid to feel this way, BUT ITS STILL SOUR!

its me..

2009-12-26T00:57:00.000+08:00

who knows the sorrow behind that smile
who knows the sadness behind that laughter

it got alot more unbearable when distance played a part.

how can i say out truthfully what im feeling
when i know it will be a joke to others
and i might just be deem crazy, insane to them.
who really knows what im feeling deep down?

it hurts so badly every night
how i wish, how i wish...
this always come to my mind.

it's all about me
acting weirdly
feeling strangely
behaving abnormally
my emotions are getting the better of me.

it's so much...that i can hardly comprehend.

-----

bet i dont even know what i am feeling.
i have a need to love someone
that is a fact.
i seriously dont know if the chosen one
is considered lucky or otherwise.
it can be quite tiring or ________ to be love by me.

i dont wish for love in return,
that's too much to ask for...
all i expected in just a close friendship
which is significantly important to both parties
that's placed deep at the bottom of the heart.

a typical cancerian
wish to be constantly feel
loved, appreciated, needed, cared for etc
from the chosen one at the period of time.
because is for the chosen one,
it's ok for them not to feel all these and yet still be treated nicely by
but it will be rather miserable for that cancerian.

sometimes, i wonder,
is this called falling in love?
sometimes, i wonder,
do i just enjoy being in this game?

----

i have the tendency of stop contacting
those i stopped liking
for that, i fear one day..
this might happen again.
which i seriously, extremely do not wish to
for this time round.
and because i treasured it so much...
the more fear it's accumulating within me.

im very sorry if a day
i said weird things
ask weird questions
behave weirdly
it's the fear that crippled me.
so please, forgive me.

i want to be honest with my feelings
disregard if it turns you off or it will make you keep away from me.
"i like u so much...from then till now..., the feeling never changed. it get deeper so does the fear get stronger."
how contradicting, when my fear firstly was because of keeping u, now become fear of losing u.
i know this feeling will goes as time pass..
it's just a temporary thing.
but i just want to seize the moment and do things within my means to repay my feelings.
because i know this is once in a lifetime thing, i dont wish to regret at the end of the day for things i could have done but did not. i rather regret for things i had done for at least i done it and if i got shut off too badly, i resign to fate.
at the very least, im honest to myself.
i believed im not forcing anything on you, i just decide the degree of nice i want to provide.
that is why i text you before regarding of my degree of nice etc... and i also fear that my nice bothers you or even make you guilty to be nice to me. the latter will be the last i want it to happen.

after you read this, i thought you might be thinking that this person is mad.
she's like so obsess in you, like you so much. scary, better keep away from her.
since i decided to pen this down, i have got all the mental preparation.
if i dont break this barrier, i guess i will have hard time toning my emotions.
if we are still friends after this, good. it had gotten up another level where i guess, i will feel much more stable and normal. it's just like lifting the stone from the heart and untie the knot in the heart.
this had to be written and perhaps be read.

and like what i used to say
"when u have it, there's pain
when u dont have it, there's no pain"

如此的。。。。。。。。喜欢

2009-12-26T00:46:00.000+08:00

在这雨季的天气里
我的情感，思绪是如此的容易被动摇

我回想当初，我为何会掉入这段匪夷所思的情网里。
直到如今一切已无法回头，情感也无发自拔了。

是我的错吗？
是我把情感的位子放错了吗？
还是我的观点也出了问题？

一切一切微妙的虚幻
一个如此完美的梦幻
使我只能坐在一旁轻叹。

为何我会如此的喜欢她？
我有病吗？
可能真的有神经病！

一场梦
一场我不想了断的梦
但梦终究是会醒的啊！

我就是如此的喜欢你啊
我还能这样吗
为何你要如此的令人喜欢呢
咳！

where art thou

2009-12-20T00:45:00.000+08:00

when out of sight, doesnt out of mind
but out of reach, might end up out of life.

it happened to alot of ppl that came into my life
i wont wish u to be one of them.
might not happen, anyone might say
but i fear......
im trying to sustain that comfort for i fear it disappear.

i do have couple of fears within me
even though i dont appear to be.

some are problem sharer
some are comforter
for you are one that provides comfort
which i keep it dear

i like the fact that your presence
make me feel bit more happier than others.
that is also the reason why
i crave for it.
yet
when i needed most
i cant get it
i turn grumpy.

many a times
i think fate is playing with me
i always ask when i needed it
but have never gotten it.

some things are just meant to be like this.

its a truth that i needed that company, badly.
but its ok, i guess i will get over it.

i do seriously feel deeply glad and loved
if my close friends suggest a meet up for coffee
or even a lunch/dinner together for a short while.

that is why, "who ask" (towards the same question) matters to me.
it just a affirmation that my presence is needed, makes a difference.

im a easily contented person.
i need not things to be grand
it's the little actions that
touches the heart
comfort the soul
and
energise the mind.
that's what really matters to me.

like others say
'it's the company that make the difference, it's the effort that walk the miles"

to be frank,
since then i've been hoping for just one question...
"come over for lunch at tpy today?"
but it never happen. never.
some times i was wondering, i dont even mind the trouble
yet cant u even ask? or u dont even bother?

i've said before..
it's ok i do the asking
but times and again i scare i pestered u by asking often.
so i refrain myself from asking
though if can i could like ask everyday.
but dont know why, everytime i ask is at the wrong timing.

that's ok too, i know u busy
but then again,
why does it always end at the reason, why u cant
and no continuation of rescheduling?
it does feel that my request means nothing to u.
u shld know i know u busy, so i wont ask as and when i feel like it.

u know, it's the need to have that company
that i will do silly things.
i'll do anything to get my comfort.
remember "trying my luck?"
doesnt it occur to u why i did that?
just because u are so hardly reachable?
u might think its stupid etc etc..
i must be crazy mad or wad...
wasting my time bla bla bla...
i had been rejected so many times that
i thought i will do my own way to get my comfort.

just a little comfort, it's so out of reach..
last time i cried to others, u said why dont approach u..
now i trying to get a little comfort..
ask for simple presence also cannot get..
even to the extend, i go and grab my comfort than it is provided to me.

it sounds really pathetic..
im not complaining, its just a thought and feelings.
now i think i understand what u told me about yr friends commented.
"u are there but u arent really there"
i thought i might be able to twist the ending a little...
seems like it's still the same...

keeping friends cant just play with words
physical presence plays a part too.

is it me? or it's just you.

and i guess u broke my tolerance of rejection records.
i am one who fear rejections and avoids confrontations.

19.12.2009 12.25pm
i woke up and i realised something,
so far, our meeting for lunches was because i had something to pass u
and thus i insisted abit to meet u.
which most chances, my wish will be granted.

it does make me wonder,
why had it unknowningly come to such extend...
is it that i had to pass u stuffs before i can meet u?

for lamby i can understand why i could hardly(guess i havent seen her for more than a yr?) see her.
her workplace is far from me.
her home is far from me too.
at the very least, she initiated a coffee session at orchard someday soon.
though i know she very lazy for meet ups
but i guess its the thoughts that counts?
and at the end of the day, i know we will have that coffee.

but u know, u're at TPY! only... not even like so far!
and i even volunteer to go down, just if u wld ask.
but u wont, never ask...
i keep asking, get rejected to a point i asked myself
:why are u so cheap, people not even wanting to meet u, why still ask, why still bother. she doesnt bother to initate and dont even bother rescheduling after rejecting. so what u want now.
so this is like... even i put in effort, do extra...

some things are just meant to be like this.

u know, i still hoping to go soup spoon with u!
u know, i treasure my close friends so much
that no meet ups are too much for me.
even to the extent that the meet ups is just because my friend wanted to buy some stuffs and want me to accompany her, i will be glad to do so.
i am a happy-tag-along buddy.

i understand the need for a person to have a friend u can hold on 24/7.
be able to find that person as and when u like
be able to call/text the person whenever u are down
just be there whenever a person needs.
that is when, whenever i offer myself (because i know im able to do all these)
i expected the person to appreciate, to treasure, to "use" me actively.
otherwise it defeat the purpose of my presence.

end of the day, u make me feel that im not a friend at all.
i do what a friend can do or even more
but i dont get what a friend can get.
so... do u actually still wants me?

have u put yrself in my shoe and feel what im feeling if it was u?
believe me, my heart can die because of these.
it's just a matter of time.
im trying hard not to have it happen.
but it takes two hands to clap.

the end day scenario will be
we only connect thru sms, maybe on off calling.
soon, we both get tired of smsing and we stop.
that's it.
coz we dont hang out, we dont meet ups.
it's just a matter of time....

do u....
actually still wants me?

or am i expecting too much??

differences

2009-12-18T00:41:00.000+08:00

some times its not about what im willing to do
(my effort is nv less if i want to)
but about what the other end willing to do.

i could have done so much so much....
but if the opposite end isnt responding or helping
no matter how much i have done, it's still pointless...

and it just make me feel......
freaking upset... and left feeling... unappreciated, insignificant.

used vs loved

2009-10-24T00:39:00.000+08:00

While a man was polishing his new car,
his 4 yr old son picked up a stone
and scratched lines on the side of the car.

In anger, the man took the child's hand
and hit it many times not realizing
he was using a wrench.

At the hospital, the child lost all his fingers
due to multiple fractures.

When the child saw his father.....
with painful eyes he asked, 'Dad when will my fingers grow back?'
The man was so hurt and speechless;
he went back to his car and kicked it a lot of times.

Devastated by his own actions......
sitting in front of that car he looked at the scratches;
the child had written 'LOVE YOU DAD'.
The next day that man committed suicide. . .

Anger and Love have no limits;
choose the latter to have a beautiful, lovely
life & remember this:
Things are to be used and people are to be loved.
The problem in today's world is
that people are used while things are loved.

Let's try always to keep this thought in mind:
Things are to be used,
People are to be loved.

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character;
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

I'm glad a friend forwarded this to me as a reminder..
I hope you have a good day no matter what problems you may face
it's the only day you'll have before it's over.

applies not only to family members and with your friends especially those that's close to yr heart.

my thoughts:
people are to be love.....

regardless if the ones i love, love me, i'll still love them.

meeting is by fate, being friends is by choice, still friends is destiny.
since being friends is by choice, we shld not do anything that hurts to them, instead love them with all you can.

hmmm

2009-10-19T00:32:00.001+08:00

sometimes it's hard to feel the importance of my existence.
ppl who are insecure need quite a bit more affirmation than others.
but its ok. it doesnt come easy from u.
i believed, tried to believe the degree is what i am expecting.
hoping it's not a self-denial illusion.

extra mile for that bit of comfort, for that precious smile, i wld.
i could always, or try my best to, make u smile. =)

even when times change,
my feeling remains the same.

like u...

2009-10-04T00:18:00.000+08:00

why do i like u so much?
why do i have my feelings all flutter?
why do i give u the power to affect me?

why am i getting all affected every now and then?
why am i bothering so much?
why am i feeling so much of mixed emotions?

so many whys
then come so many whats
then follow by so many hows??

sigh...

it's so... hard to explain in words.

if i still dont get rid of all those emotions set in me
im gonna drown so soon...
feeliog suffocated again.

why do i like u so much?
what i should do to not feel anything?
how to stay saint?

GOSH!

Being One and Acting Like One IS totally different.

2009-10-03T00:21:00.001+08:00

acting stupid doesnt mean i am
acting silly doesnt mean i am

what i seems to be
doesnt justify what i am.

dont say doesnt mean i dont know
dont react doesnt mean i dont feel

now a days no people play it hard.
people use mind games, tactical words and strategic moves.
im weak on words therefore my game plan is to have psychology games and strategic moves.
im more into psychology games.

if everything is used wisely and accurately,
you will be able to manipulate a person at your own will.
you can make the whole world trust you yet you know you dont trust them at all.
they can be those that, when they are of no usage anymore, they can be discard as and when they like.

for me, it never gets tiring at all.
i like the challenge of getting a person who is hard to get along with
to actually get along with me and feel comfortable totally.
i want to make everyone (that i dislike) to actually feel comfortable with me and place their trust on me.
i want to assure myself that i have the ability to make people feel comfortable to the degree i want it to.
the harder the challenge is, the more satisfaction i have.
it might sound psychotic to some.

i enjoy appearing dumb, silly, crazy, nonsense, immature, playful, cant be bother etc etc..
people have less guard on people like this.
people round them up as, childish, still young, not serious etc etc
people have less responsibilities for me also.
im someone who doesnt like responsibilities since young.
i'll shun away as much as i can.
i dont like the trouble, dont like the problems and even dont like the stress.
but that doesnt mean i cant handle.
sometimes circumstances forced out the other potentials of you.
but the bottomline will still be :-
i will only unveil my real self when i needed to.
otherwise, i'll still be silly, nonsense, carefree, playful me.

actually there's alot of hidden power within me that i've yet to discover.

i realised i always do things not at my maximum power.
i am a fast learner but i always appear to be rather slow.
perhaps due to laziness.
my guitar learnt half way and im getting lazy. =/

i am an efficient and effective worker if i want to.
the degree of output at work already tell me that i am not fully utilising myself.
if i am more focus
if i am more concentrated
if i am more driven
if i am more energized
1300~ will not just be my max commission that i will be getting.
perhaps that's only my 30-40%.
sigh but i get lazy every now and then.
this job is getting a little boring at times.
my focus span is short or im too lazy to focus for too long.
i get distracted very easily but when im focus, i really am, extremely.
it just a matter of getting the momentum but it breaks so often here. gosh.

i used to be a sharp-edged person.
straightforward, blunt, immediate etc...
now i've become a rounder..
dont have the idea whether is it good or bad
but i felt i have changed alot.
apart from heart matters,
i no longer that type of impulsive, daring, decisive person to a point that my teacher ever said :" she reacts to whatever said or does to her "
wonder is this a lope side or...?
im no longer so chatty that was being called a chatterbox.
i have quiet down alot.
till some point of time that i thought i am being a mute. -_-"

used to be a happy-go-lucky person
how about now?
i have no idea.

even the china chinese teacher who taught me for a short while
commented that i have quiet down.

simplicity reflections

2009-09-30T00:20:00.000+08:00

it's the time again that make me compare between time and happiness.

there are people:
who are feeling happy earning big bucks
who are feeling unhappy earning big bucks
who are feeling happy earning a meagre income
who are feeling unhappy earning a meagre income
who are feeling happy earning lilttle (just enough to survive)
who are feeling unhappy earning little (just enough to survive)

sometimes it depends if you have the life to enjoy certain degree of prosperity in your life.
or even, is your life meant to have certain prosperity level.

e.g will be like a person who keep wanting to earn enough to substain a luxury life. they worked damn hard etc to gain that amount of money but yet along the way, some things happen, they never have to life for it anymore.

i wish to keep myself level-headed.
i have dreams, goals even though is not big one.
i want my happiness to be a journey, not a destination.
i wish to feel what i want to feel
i wish to enjoy what i want to enjoy
i wish to love the way i want it to
i wish to have things happen the way i want it to. (it's all simple little things)

im a easily contented person.
i dont ask for much or even more.
i hope of a job that earns meagre income for savings and spending.
i hope for friends whom i care and love to go through my life with me.
i hope to feel happy through my journey of life.

is there actually a work place whereby makes you feel like home?
my ideas might be old-fashioned but i love work environment that makes one feel home.
everyone is helping each other out,
no individual internal challenges for survival,
no gossipings, no backstabbing, no underhands,
where you sweat and bleed together.
we eat together what we can afford at that moment.
this is my ideal working place.
but i guess, the only word that i will receive will be "dream!"

being in this current work place makes me realised i am never cut-out for sales.
i abhor the stress i am getting.
i abhor the fighting for survive game.
i hate having to speak for the sake of it.
i hate to follow rules and regulations.
the above reasons would be more than enough for me to step into sales job if i ever were to leave here which i forsee happening soon in time to come.

my initial thoughts was just to stay on and help out as it's patricia who pull me in.
at first i thought, there's a friend in there working so it wont be so out of place and lonely.
god knows why, soon after i came, she got to leave.
one by one leaving and all i can think of it just to stay on and "help" out.
afterall there's nothing to lose and they were short-handed and also thinking cant just leave like that.
seems to have no loyalty (anywhere i goes, loyalty will be one of the traits i see myself to) to abandon the group just like that.
another main reason is not wanting to see someone so stress and feeling helpless over such situation. a person more is better than a person less. (since then already thinking in the sense that i can be there for that person at least. cannot leave the person in lurch.)

slowly time passed, new people comes and go.
everything had become a routine.
it just goes round and round..

there is a batch that i like alot.
where everyone is like brothers and sisters.
during that period of time, the "survivor" game is the harmless.
no, i dont even call it survivor game, more of a "brotherhood" game.
too bad, good times dont last.
that was also one of the better months.

next was my motivator.
it was never never easy.
i get distracted most of the times.
i emo more than often.
i see myself looking kind of lost.
it is getting harder and harder to be optimistic.
yes, work is still work.
body is moving, hands are typing, work as per normal.
what seems wrong is the inner self.
the initial concept already started is a different way.
so it ended up with "what's the point now"

things are stagnant now.
in fact i used to be yearning to come to work.
i feel happy everyday regardless of what happen.
even the sky drop i can treat as nothing happen.
that's when you have a friend with you at work,
things are definately not the same.

things are definately not the same now too.
it just that all the things i used to feel goes on a reverse side.
sometimes it feel like the world had toppled upside down.
some might say i am too extreme but different people had different perspective and different way of feeling things.
and this is the way i feel. accept it or not.
what matters to me, REALLY extremely matters.
what doesnt, REALLY extremely doesnt.
i am a See-Saw which you will see it only falling on one side.

time will heal?
time will only numb the feelings you gone through
time will only leave scar after hurts
time will only provide you the end results
but never heal.

it gets a little annoying to be speaking people's language most of the times.
it gets a little depressing when there's no one to really talk to in office.
it gets a little taxing to force yourself for focus and concentration.
it gets a little frustrating to see yourself living through motion.
it gets a full lots of shit to feel upside down.

can someone slap me upside down and wake me up?
i dont wish to trap in this bloody emotions roller-coaster.
it is quite hard for me to snap out of it once im stuck.
i am losing control of how to handle myself.

sigh forget it.
thinking im purely emo-ing.
drained.
fuck it man.

can my feelings go abit more simplified?

Happy Birthday RoRo

2009-09-25T23:56:00.004+08:00

flowers for her bday! =)
cost: $80odds

swarovski crystal bear: $160
rainbow pen: $68

money is nothing when it comes to her,
as long as it makes her happy,
im glad. :)

reflections

2009-09-25T23:53:00.001+08:00

sometimes i feel that im always battling within myself.
the angel and devil in me are always fighting against one another.

i prefer to be obligated by rules and regulations
yet at times i want to break the max out of them.

i am very conservative and traditional person
yet the way i speak and behave doesnt justify.

im so weak inside most of the times
yet i appeared to be rather strong.

i am a very sad and depressive person
yet people who mixed around with me dont think so.

i yearn to be loved
yet i shown to be not needing at all.

i am lonely inside
yet others see me as full of friends.

all in all,
im so not what i appear to be.

alvin told me before,
i need to learn to love myself before i could love others
but i realise
i only love myself after i love others.

at times i dont understand why people like to catagorise the different type of likes
when one says " i like (fill in the blanks)."

must all the liking for a person to be catagorise so specifically
before one can claim that he/she likes he/she?
really wonders big time.

to me, liking a person is as simple as ABC.
pure likings, no differentiation, no catagorising, no nothing. just LIKE!
to like a person is...
to make the person feels happy
to provide company, comfort
to double your joys
to bring happiness
whatever effort one puts in
the main reason is to see the one u like smile.
even to the extent i could be hurt till heart bleed like nobody business,
as long as i still be able to provide simple bliss, even a tinge of it
i'll still be hanging around and stay contented.

but there are also times i dont understand
why people who just give their whole heart out (unconditionally)
yet get hurt every now and then.
dont they deserve for the other party to just be a little bit nicer?
or is it the other party had take them for granted that
they dont really bother if they feel hurt?

no expectations = no disappointment
but when you put your whole heart in, definitely you will expect something.
for me, my 100% out, i only expect a maximum of 50% in.
that's the maximum i'll expect from a person, as more than usual, i only got 10-30% input.
sigh..

that's also the reason why,
i always wonder, why am i being nice to people for?
to let people to take advantage of?
im usually very generous to my friends.. my loved friends.
quite generous with better friends outside my comfort zone.
yet times and again i met black sheep that break the faith i've been trying to build for people outside my comfort zone

i think humans are getting disappointing, more and more disappointing.
the reason why i hate going to adult world because i've to be consistently beware of 'unaccountable' kind of different people.
i hate to be on my guard
i hate to second thoughts people's words
i hate to be wearing a mask everyday
i hate to entertain for the sake of it
i hate to be taken advantage of
i hate to have more responsibilities
i hate to be treated like a fool/clown
most of all, i hate having to trust and distrust restrictedly.
i have the tendency to trust people easily
how i wish i can be non-chalant to all things.

i dont know if it's my pms that's acting up
but im feeling very depress everyday.
nothing could really cheers me up.
even looking at silly and roro's pic isnt helping.
i think the depressive situation is worse than ever.

suddenly i feel....
so empty...

you

2009-08-14T21:56:00.001+08:00

come to think of it, it might had been a little too drama at times when i say my words, especially times when i am emo.
however it's during my emo days, u see or hear the most honest words especially when i blabber all the heartfelt words out.
it's only when ppl i truly bothers involve then they got the worse of the emoS.
u might think i just emo any one of them but no, i dont. i emo them but i dont emo ABT them.
it's only when things involve me and the person i care therefore i emo.
im not a freak, i dont emo for no reason (might seems yes to others) of my own.

it is especially you hide yourself rather well, it's hard to guess/feel your thoughts right.
which all the more, for a person like me, feels frustrated when i cant read.
reading of a person actions or mind makes me feel a little secure because i hate uncertainty.
it got me fluttered. paranoid, yes i am. your thoughts matter to me, yes it does!

you might not show to me my importance as much as i want it to but im sure im of certain importance by now. the thing im most certain of myself would be, am i a friend to the person whom i want befriend with.
you may think i think too highly of myself, it's ok. tell me that im wrong then.

you always made me think that i have never done enough to prove a friend,
i dont know why is it that way. Or perhaps that's your way of insecurities of a person.
maybe i read too deep into it but you cant blame me. im sensitive.
im an extreme person you know.
so whatever my personalities are, they are on the extreme end.
at the end of the day i always hear myself asking:" havent i done enough? why is she still like have doubts abt me? why is she saying this? why is she saying that? "
but i believe i've overcome all this, dont i? i survive through it right?
i understand your "trust" theory. so most times i kept quiet unless u come at the emo times. haha.

i always wanted to say these to you face to face, dont dare and dont know if im right.
later say something wrong you angry. haha.
however my own feelings and thoughts shldnt have right or wrong, isnt it?

maybe along the years you been through so much that you build up your sarcasm or perhaps it's inborn.
to me, it feels that your sarcasm is to protect yourself from getting "eaten" by others because if you let down your protection you might be very easy taken advantage of and perhaps to screen your friends made, something like to see who stands strong enough to "handle" you.

as for your trust theory, this one confirm got bitten many times that's why you ended up "dont trust easily but lose trust easily"
you always give people the benefit of doubt and i believe if the person never do anything funny and be honest with you, the trust will build but a very slow pace. i also feel that a person dont need that much of trust from you in order to make you feel hurt with what they did.
sounded weird but your trust is like a sacred thing.

i wanted to state opinions about you but type halfway like typing abt myself.
so i choose not to type already. haha.

that time my status was similar character, different personality.
i was saying the both of us.
when i do a thought abt it, we have exactly opp personality. DIRECT OPP k!
but we have similar nice character la. hehe.. we are both nice people right!

but you know you know, amidst all, i treasure you like finding gold at the other end of the rainbow.
time will tell, time will tell...
finally it justified the fear when i emailed you was redundant.
but you cant blame me, im a scary cat. scare pain you know.
even though now you gotta leave also pain but at least i found a friend.

just hope time will heal now.
almost everything will remind me of you. EVERYTHING! like wtf?
when there's no feelings, no attachment, there's no pain. but have HOW?
haha suddenly i remembered i used to write,
"when you have it, you have pain, when you dont have it, there's no pain"
and you replied me :" no pain no gain "
now i gained something, here comes the pain hor? damn! haha.

i dont care where you are and what you are doing.
we gonna have soup spoon someday..
and
if you want go shopping better ask me along! I WANT GO!!!!
just remember if u need company, apart from lunch time, anywhere anytime!
i'll be more than willingly glad to accompany u if u want go out after work hours. =p

no matter what mood you are having, reply at least once of my sms to keep my updated if i text you la. but if you bad mood can text me also. =p gladly entertain. yr sms, as always, always welcome.
not around anymore cannot see your mood. dont, dont reply my sms k.
i'll get worried one. =)

pain is inevitable

2009-08-14T20:58:00.000+08:00

this is probably one of the better times to reflect.

"when feelings are involved, pain is inevitable"

been through a couple of jobs whilst my 5yrs long down period.
i've made a plenty of acquaintances, never a friend.
during that period of times, my new found friends are all from the internet. just a handful of them.
they are friends i will keep and i will still contact them once a while for meet-ups.
definitely of the similar frequency and share my thoughts.

until 17/10/2008. i put a stop to my closure.
i decided for a final break through after closing up for so long.
among all acquaintances, my heart pointed to A. he is a friend for keep, for sure.
then R appeared. afterwhich more and more random people started appearing in my life.
a few of nonsenses ppl
a few of trouble makers
a few of demanding ppl
a few of seemingly close ppl
a few of childish ppl
and of coz
a few of nice and treasurable ppl.

my heart pointer had never fail to help me pick my friends.
it know who to be nice to and who to have feelings for.
it usually will feel for those appreciative people and automatically i'll be nice to them.
sometimes i really feel that my heart can see thru a person than my eyes.
it usually brings me to what i like and bring me my joys.

actually all thanks to P, that she brought me in here.
of all places i had been, i've nv met people that i wish to keep so badly.
this is the first place of all.
im not a greedy person and im a very selective person.
of all the many, ppl i will keep max is 2 from a place or none.
count yourself lucky if u're one of them.

and when it's well-screened and pick, i have feelings for them.
love needs feelings, so does friendship.
when feelings involve, it touches the heart
when heart is involve, detachment is hard.
when detachment is hard, pain is inevitable.

friends

2009-08-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

Most of the times people dont appear what they are really like.
they dont want to show yet want people to understand.
we dont wear x-ray specs or have x-ray eyes
so how can we see through a person with our tiny eyes?

but if you always keep things to yourself
and thinks that people need not know or would not even understand
even how nice a person is
will get worn out guessing and wondering (with care and much concern)

and start wondering,
am i a friend, to you?

real friends are there
to shoulder your cries
to lend a listening ear
to provide a shelter
to share their wings when u have trouble flying
to act as a pillar to lean on.

there are times a person just need someone to listen
there are times a person just need someone to speak
sometimes, a slient companion is only needed.
just the presence of a right person even in silent, makes a great different.
(some friends just wish to be there, be it in what position)

real friends
yearn and appreciate each other's presence
bring happiness
doube the joys
overlook all faults
erase sorrows
complete a person

if your friends arent doing or not able to do the above,
what are they worthy enough to be called friends?

---

grumbling is a normal thing to do.
it might not change anything or help in any ways logically
but it does find a relief for a heart that need emotional release.
it's a NEED. to let out the heart in order to move on.

it's like balloon. the harder you blow, the bigger it gets and soon it burst.
so.. dont keep blowing into it but release some air out..
the balloon feels better, so does your heart.

---

i dont say, doesnt mean i dont care
i dont ask, doesnt mean i dont want to know.
in my own beliefs, i prefer to use my own ways to make the person feels happier than to probe and start to dwell on it together. i want the person to be happy and comfortable in my presence.
dont ask, dont say doesnt mean i dont want you to share that piece of informations with me.
sharing could also reflect on the level of trust you have in that person.
bottomline is, bits of it might just do fine than nothing said at all. (coming from a thought of a friend, i believe majority of friends will feel the same, because real friend cares)

---

i think as a friend i have nothing much to pick on
except for some demanding and lots of emo-ing.
im so lazy that alot of times i just ask people to do things for me
and got them irritated and angry over that. HAHA!

it's quite an unbelievable task for me to not probe
people who knows me long enough should know.
they would think i've probably died long ago due to excessive wonderings, guessings and emo-ing.
usually if i want to know something, i'll make sure i know.
especially when i love listen to stories, problems etc etc.

now i know how it is like to be a silent comforter.
not an easy job. but im happily tired though. =)

but just for one person.
the rest i'll continue to probe! muhahaha!
realise one common thing, we probe but we dont share. hohoho!
selfish people. lol!!

quotes

2009-08-07T21:25:00.000+08:00

found this on the friendship quotes application
and it caught me thinking.

Don't believe your friends when they ask you to be honest with them. All they really want is to be maintained in the good opinion they have of themselves. - Albert Camus

Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life. - James Francis Byrnes

False friends aren't always that bad because it shows you about yourself and teaches you to be strong and life goes on. - Josh Wojo

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing. - Katherine Mansfield

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. - Martin Luther King, Jr

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. - Arnold H. Glasow

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. - Rachel Naomi Remen

Friends are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you. - Sharon Foltz

Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. - Unknown Author

My wish upon this shooting star is that your heart be happy. - Gilbert

A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else. - Len Wein

Who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure. - Anonymous

True friendship needs no words... - Dag Hammarskjold

A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have. - Unknown Author

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success! - Doug Larson

The finest kind of friendship is between two people who expect a great deal of each other, but never ask it. - Syvia Bremer

Every man should have a fair-sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends. - Henry Brooks Adams

Without wearing any mask we are conscious of, we have a special face for each friend. - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end. - John Boyle O'Reilly

demand demand

2009-08-06T22:51:00.001+08:00

whenever you start enjoying something,
you tend to get attach to it
because it brings a smile on your face.
no one will ever want to stay away from things
that bring them happiness even just a tinge of it.

detachment is just a matter of choice.

---

yet sometimes when it gets close
people start to demand and expect more
more than what it initially it should be.

sometimes i do take things for a little granted
but deep down i know what am i suppose to do.
yet most times i just choose to ignore.

i see what i like to
i hear what i listen to
i do what i prefer to
i care whom i want to.

i tried to be nice to everyone
but im not a superwoman
whom i can give my attention to all equally.
so.. most time are for my priorities. (you cant blame me)

i dislike to be demand of my nice.
i hate to be told what to do.
i abhor doing things out of guilt.
i only wish to do things willingly or even out of own appreciations.

i will appreciate if people dont give unnecessary comment
when i dont do things the way they want it.
dont do small actions to get my attentions
dont say little stuffs to make me feel bad

if thats the case, i would rather jolly well get out of your life.
because even my parents cant demand much out of me
who are you and your position in my life
to demand this and that?

do tell me if you find a good reason. thankyou

frustrations. dont read if u dont know me.

2009-08-03T21:58:00.000+08:00

im starting to feel what being told had slowly fall into places and placed right infront of me.

"u will be revolving around numbers, calculating, money"

since young i always felt money dont bring me happiness, so do i now.
to me, what's the point of having so much money when what you want deep down will never be satisfy?
what's the point of having so much money, end of the day you are still alone, feeling empty, never happy, always lonely.

i always wanted good life. Good as in quality life with people close to my heart to be around me and just having enough to provide and survive.
i want simple happiness, simple bliss...

seriously speaking,
this work really test my tolerance, determination, perseverance.
there are times i really wish to fuck care everything and just leave.
i dont care if im not going to get a better pay job after this but at least it's not mentally draining.
i hate the way how it torture my brains, my emotions. I SIMPLY HATE IT!!!

what the fucking shit is consistency!
im not one with it! NOT ONE! NEVER ONE!
as much as i love rules and regulations, i love breaking it.
BUT none of them i can break here!
so im trapped in the shit of consistency in the rules n regulations!

oh not forgetting CONSISTENCY of feeling mentally drained, CONSISTENCY of repeating emotional cycles, CONSISTENCY of not having the energy to meet friends n chill...
stop telling me to stop thinking and you can start enjoying or to ask me give myself a break and relax. after the whole damn relaxation, you fucking get back to the same old crap!

im someone who LOVES to shrink responsibilities whenever i meet them
BUT, no way for here! so... i feel trapped AGAIN!

im someone who LOVES to talk talk talk crap crap crap joke joke joke and work together
BUT, no way here! there's limitations, restrictions and please kill those gossipers, CNN reporters, troublemakers and whats not. best if they get run down by cars or hit by flower pots etc. SHIT THEM! so... TRAPPED AGAIN!

SCREWED the TT and CV that had to be monitored!
cover here cover there. time all spent covering shitholes, does it mean we doesnt need to work?
want this want there yet demand so many things.
whole loads of crappy stuffs.

YA,YA! that's life. everyone says it the same.
"We all experiencing the same thing"
"You are sian, so do it"
"That's work, That's life"
FUCK YOU! i know! Cant you see im just grumbling?

everything is just grumbles.
OH, maybe it's just another emo emo days.. or PMS..
just needed a place to vent frustrations. Nowhere else to.. So here you goes, nottie.

sometimes a person just need to vent out what's on their mind and that crushing emotions but people will never understand how to handle it well.
sometimes responses are not needed. all you need to do is just listen or some CONSTRUCTIVE advices are welcome.
JUST DONT "TRY TO BE NICE" WHEN PEOPLE DONT NEED THAT kind of unconstructive responses.
that's why i always believe when you are down, just be alone or find one or two close friends whom you know will response the way you want it to, will be the best deal.

good friends.. dont need more.
a couple will do.
at times, blogging will do just fine too.

sigh.. keep to yourself is better.

FUCKING PIECE FULL OF SHIT!

i wish..
i wish..
~~if leaving can be as easy as ABC.~~

love you just the way you are

2009-07-30T22:43:00.001+08:00

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.

love you just the way you are.... =)
dedicated for... you-know-who!

Will You Be There?

2009-07-16T21:17:00.000+08:00

will u be there?

when i need a friend
when i need a silent companion
when i need a listening ear

when i need you

will... you be there?

just like the way
i'll be there for you?
(provided you needed me or willing to share with me, i'll sure be there)

Days thoughts

2009-07-15T22:48:00.000+08:00

so fast it's been 8 going to 9mths im there.

if you were to ask if i've been through alot, i would probably say nothing much.
afterall it's just purely work. a standard routine that everyone has to live with.
oh..
definitely i've learn how to better sweet talk others and strengthen my old beliefs as times goes by. there's also some traits which actually got worsen.
my tempers get shorter
my patient get lesser
my tolerance get lower
my criticality get higher
suddenly i feel lousier and more loser than ever.
i really think i'll lose myself in time to come. it's like wearing a mask everyday. im getting tired.

---

liked knew u for almost 6mths.
frm the day it started till now, everyday is just like confirming the assumed facts i had of you when u created an impression. you are the most uncertain person i ever met or maybe i just still doesnt have enough faith on humans to start with.

im the least adventurous person.
i prefer to stay in a comfort zone with mostly already known facts.
im not one who changes my beliefs easily.
you broke some of my rules, created an exception.

to have a person with such low faith etc to have a solo venture on smth new, at the start was really painstaking. imagine for a person like me to handle all kinds of wry wits and sarcasms, seriously, i dont know how i manage to pull it through. never me to be able to handle such. im surprised myself.
im sensitive
im emo
im easily hurt
im fear-full
im selective
and to trying to know you, it almost like digging my own grave. it might sound abit too extreme but it varies on individual character.
how to describe that feeling at that moment?
FEAR, uncertainty, worry, lost, scare.. lots more.

most importantly, the way u always "seems close" to people which actually instill some or shld say alot of fear in me. i've never know you before here. i dont know what u're like. i've no idea wads the real you, fake you, trying to be nice you. my main concern of fear is, i might just be one of those "seems close" people you are talking to which i DEFINITELY dont want to be! usually when i have a certain load of fear, i'll retreat and for you, i feel the fear and do it anyway though at the back of my heart, fear is still there. i've already tried to surpress all the fears i had then and now.

but yes of coz, i already treated you like a close friend of mine since then. it had always been until now even though i might have say or msg you some weird things that might be a little offensive to you. im very sorry about that. i really have bad handling of emotions. hope you dont take it to heart. most times i dont mean it. i've lots of different catagories of friends, buddy, close friends, good friends, smoking buddy, lunch buddy etc etc... to be named close friend and exception that means you're of some importance, not for fun.

what can i say.. sometimes i talk big is becoz i want to cover up my fear, uncertainty, worries etc.. but believe me when i say, im true.. sincere..
the appreciation in the email part is still vaild...

---

going to work is like friends making sessions to me.
it just let me understand different kind of humans more.
understanding people at the snap of my fingertips is just wad i love to do.
however im getting tired of doing so.
it wears me out, tear me down.
sigh. really really... wanna close up...
stop believing, stop trusting, no hoping, no wishing, quit thinking, quit listening.

My Heart

2009-07-10T21:41:00.002+08:00

im having an almost peaceful life now.

i just need to get some things done as soon as possible.

i hate to have unecessary ppl in my life and creating nonsense.
im gonna get rid of them.

my world is small..
so small that it can only accomodate that Many people

i have a pee-brain
so tiny that it can only think for Some people

i dont have a spacious heart
so cramp that it can only care for Certain people

Thoughts Full

2009-07-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

full of thoughts
full of wonders
full of questions

who to say to
who will listen
who will be there?

oh.. my emo times again?
who noes.

i need a silent companion.
are u?

im tired. really.
sick n tired.
i think...
its really time....

to..

stop socialising.

i only need the chosen ones
the rest..
pls stay clear from me.

Most Memorable Bday!

2009-07-04T22:33:00.003+08:00

i can say ever since 12 yrs old i had never really celebrated my bday. if i remembered correctly, no more cakes from then on.
birthday had become just an excuse to eat so-called better food.

during secondary schools days, most of the times will be just going out to eat and receive presents from fellow classmates, schoolmates. like i said, no more cakes.

i think cakes had become not that necessary anymore unless u're celebrating it at home or having a chalet outside and cakes just make them more significant.

this year.. the day before my bday, i was just thinking of buying a cake on the bday itself after lunch to have it with my colleagues. i do not know why but i sudden have the craving to eat cake during my bday. However, i forgotten abt it.

then i got my surprise coming in.
a delivery man with a small bouquet of flowers in a stuffed dog container + a box of white and strawberry coated heart-shaped cake!!! and a hamper of chocolates.

im surprised, yes
im touched, yes
im delighted, yes
im loved, YES!

it's so just like a wish come true. what u want, u have it.

we had dinner.
time flies but i truly enjoyed her company, really, extremely!
i wish for her to feel comfortable, happy, loved with my company too.

the whole day itself i was contemplating to ask her to text me a Happy Birthday msg so that i could keep for memory sake but i hesitated and chose not to.
but after we parted, she texted me and part of the conversation there's Happy B'day once again.

there again, another wish come true.

whatever i wish to say
it's more than words.
i dont care if i got in return is more or less than i had given. that's not important.
i just want to keep the best, i could give, for her.

just be yourself and enjoy my company.
that's all i ask for.

you're like an angel.
u made my days with u like a fairytale.
thank you from the deepest of my heart that you came into my life.

RoRo

2009-06-25T20:59:00.005+08:00

only recently ive realised i haven been blogging for 1mth plus.
everything had been revolved around my work and Her.

i still have my reservations for her.
truthfully, im still afraid.
afraid of getting hurt again.
afraid of walking the escaping route i choose the last time i was hurt again.
afraid of feeling the same pain again.

i believed im blinded.
so blinded to even feel if she's real.
why does my fear wont go away?
mainly because..

it is the degree of "seems close to a person" that actually scares me.
i fear to be one of the victim.
im afraid that she's nice to me because
she knows im easily affected.
she dont want to lose a workable worker.

ive been enjoying really enjoyable moments with her.
like buying breakfast for her every mth when we still can eat in office.
having lunch together. (esp ones she initiated)
even times like walking her to the taxi stand and acc her wait for taxi,
staying in the office with her to wait for her "chauffeur",
accompany her find her uncle's vase.

just love to have her presence irregardless of what we are doing.
i appreciate her as she is.

she is one of the chosen fren among all that i wish to keep.
if she could stay, i'll jolly well treasure her.

stress

2009-05-21T00:19:00.003+08:00

every mth, things repeatedly happen.
going to mth end already..
the stress already building.
feel soooo damn tired.
this mth is worst than ever i guess.
the stress started from the beginning
accumulated till the end.

to be feeling the same thing
every other mth.
holy shit huh!

stress until want cry.
emo until want cry.
cry cry cry.. just cry it all out i guess.

first time

2009-05-19T00:07:00.002+08:00

first time i went for such stuffs yet it's her mum's.

it's saddening.

at the end of it, i gave the hug i wanted to give the moment she told me the news.
i appreciate that im one of the first that she broke the news to.

i hope she's holding on strong, getting better day by day.

on a selfish account, i feel super emo for the thoughts of not seeing her and able to text her as per normal.
she need the time alone. i know. i understand.
cant help but to feel the way she feels whenever she's down.

Dear Lord,
please provide her with everything she needs, everything You can.
i know You have the ability to do so.
take all my blessings for her.
keep her strong.
give her comfort.
fix her broken heart
soothe her sorrows.
bring her joys.
pick her up.
Thanks. Amen.

simple

2009-05-03T21:37:00.002+08:00

stay simple
be content

speak less
listen more

eat less
drink more

think less
do more

take less
give more

hate less
love more

simplicity is bliss.

sigh!

2009-05-01T00:28:00.000+08:00

It's the end of the mth again.
now i want to make it a point to blog every mth end.
i need to grumble everything out else i'll go bonkers.

i had my renewal of contract signed but im not happy at all.
it now feels like a drag than any thing else.
"No pay raise, 1/4 renewal bonus."
it's really pathetic in my opinion.
i may start off not well.. but most of the time i hit my minimum target.
by Jan i'm already quite consistent in my sales.
i've no bad attendance records, not much of issues apart of redemptions.
why am i getting all these shits???
comparing the effort i had put in. Sigh. Disappointment is the word!

is my sales THAT bad compared to LL???!!?!??!!
someone answer me please.

Every mth to hit 100CP for 3mths to get increment?
fuck shit huh. I DIE DIE also only got 90++ CP
does it means i will never get my increment no matter how hard i work??
then wth am i working hard for??
since Jan my sales had always been 90++!
LIKE WTF LAH!!! im always stuck there!

this mth target never hit again. yes, stucked at 9o++. 94 this mth!
sigh.. it's wearing me out, totally.

current situation is not productive.
2 X effort = 1 X results
what i want is
1 X effort = 2 X results.

and seriously, i think the comm sucks pathetically.
or maybe it's recession, thats why. but it still sucks for now.

frankly speaking, money is not an issue.
i dont stay on for the $$ coz it's nothing fantastic.
if not for her, perhaps, i have already change a new job.

My motivator keeps me going.
but when motivator does not motivates anymore....
i wonder what will happen...
we shall see how...

Sometimes i do wish she can hear all my grumbles..
but she's my boss.. i cant grumble these to her...
there's quite a few disatisfactions in me
i wish she can hear me out..
my disatisfications wont turn into actions
but i just need to vent it out..

Will she bother to listen from A-Z?
i dont like pouring out my stuffs and get stopped off at M or halfway thru.
somtimes there are just stuffs u need to grumble it off.
it's so suffocating to be all kept inside.

i need some inner peace, really.
i want someone to talk to.
i want to pour my frustrations out.
i want to cry my heart out.
i want to feel a tinge of happiness.

=(( i hardly got anyone of this.
i feel so sad. =(( SIGH.

i feel so worn out.
so alone.

argh

2009-04-27T19:52:00.001+08:00

i hate it when she's not feeling well...

i wish i can do something...

=(

please la, for goodness sake, SLEEP!!! and drink more plain water!
weather alr bad enough and u doing nth abt it to take care of urself.

sigh. depress. =((

losing

2009-04-24T21:30:00.001+08:00

im losing faith.
perhaps totally soon.

we shall see how it gonna end
but trust me if i say im losing it,
i really do.

when the faith had gone
it's time to move on.

we shall see...
how long i can stand...

All is Well

2009-04-20T19:19:00.004+08:00

^.^

all is well now, i believed.

i shld stop being critical and emotional.
i shld just enjoy her presence as much as possible
of coz, i hope she enjoyed mine too.

my heart is at ease now. peaceful.
i believed she had stablized her place is my heart.
if i believe i trust her, i shldnt have doubts.
if i believe i know her, i shldnt have questions.

my feelings hasnt failed me so far.

when u love someone u do not love them all e time
in exactly the same way,
from moments to moments.
it's an impossbility.
it's even a lie to pretend to.

everyone shld keep this in mind.
in case they tend to feel that,
their friends dont love them anymore because they dont A now anymore but do B.
their lovers dont love them anymore because they used to say A but now B.

love are in all forms.
sometimes u see it, sometimes u dont
sometimes u feel it, sometimes u dont
likewise
what u see, feel and hear might not always be true.

i love Boss no matter what!!! (=D)

regret

2009-04-18T23:23:00.003+08:00

now i come to think of it.

its stupid of me and irrational to be doing all these.

im just digging my own grave.

i shldnt did what i had done!

NONONOO!!!!

so clouded by emotions then.
STUPID ME!

im just a SELFISH idiot!

wtf

2009-04-13T20:56:00.003+08:00

Me: What u do u think of Dip in PSY
You: Gd n interesting
Me: Think so too. consider taking it part time.
You: Gd idea

what kinda response is this?
like wtf huh.
thanks man.

or am i too critical
or are u just cant be bothered with what im saying?

like wth am i telling u all this
or even care abt what u'll response.

fuck myself.
period!

remember this!

2009-04-12T22:12:00.008+08:00

when words underlined with one's selfishness
thats when words, are just words.
- when the basic of humanity, Care, is not there.

when logics get the upper hands
thats when actions are to be taken.
- when emotions are to be cast aside.

this is One quick-sand, i tried very hard not to fall into yet the more i resist it, the more deeper i'm sinking in. and now.. i did and fall deeply.
perhaps it's time to withdraw myself out of it
before i got buried and suffocated!

the emotional baggage i had been holding on
the invisible stress i had been withstanding
the seemingly happiness i had been enjoying
had to put to a STOP!

it's time to set in those
boundaries
and
limitations!
.
.
.
.
.
.
when u always try means and ways to make ppl happy
u tend to forget abt ur own existence, ur own happiness.

happiness shld not be given by others
it shld be within yourself.

why be happy becoz others are
which probably
when u're happy, others are not.

afterall, B is just B. forever a B never a F to start with.
perhaps...
it's my fault to start with.
.
.
.
.
.
.
tml will be completely a brand new start.
with or without - contract.

Contracts do get expired.
just like the Sweets.

expired on the 13/4/2009!.

It ENDS today after the clock strike 12!
everything!
snap out of delusion!

but...
i want to know,
am i a FRIEND to you?
or just a worker.
a worker whom u can talk to.

a truthful ans will be good.

perhaps...
all these written here to you are just -
craps, nonsensical, irrational, childish, pointless, unecessary comments, assumptions and arguements.
BUT..
that spells my insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety.

Outing With Colleagues

2009-04-10T21:43:00.000+08:00

here's for lunchie!! xDstarter!breaded mushroom!! yummiliciousmy grilled pepper steak! WOOTZCK's roasted pork wrap with baconKel's sheperd's piemy dessert. tiramisu. but not nice. =(the gay partners! MUHAHAHAK-ing time!!Wad's up?the 3 of us left. eileen and nel went off first.act macho! boohoo!! hahaha the nerdy boy! hahaha

worried

2009-04-10T10:26:00.001+08:00

i get worried abt u more than anything else.
that is.

dont do this to me again.
no matter how sad
no matter how blue
just dont MIA frm me all of a sudden!
PLEASE!

this is the kinda thing i HATE the most.
to be receiving MIA-ness out of a sudden with regards to the person i actually cared the most at that certain times.

it felt really uneasy, frustrating, annoying to be getting this when the person is actually very worried and very concerned about what is going on abt the other person's mind.

ya i know u're not accountable to me
but that's me.
i want to know or hear JUST ANY THING from u at my worried moment.
even words like : Leave me Alone; I dont feel like talking now, will ease my uneasiness.
u know, sometimes it's not abt the length of words said.
it's abt just a response.

hmms.
im straight-forward u know.
so when i cared.. i truely really deeply care
when i dont.. i dont at all.
so when i say im worried. i truely does.
what's in the ("v") will always be in the ("v")
just like those friends i chose to let them in and stayed.
it will always be in the ("v"). so.. TLC will never be less.

sigh

2009-04-07T22:15:00.001+08:00

really short-lived.

i feel the pain now.
=((

anticipated but isnt that coming too fast???

FURBY my new fren

2009-04-07T20:44:00.005+08:00

hehe. this is my new fren =))
happy like bird. muhahaha!

love it to the max.
though im a little sensitive to furs.
feels loved even though i know my nose gonna suffer!
=))

shall think a name for it!

any suggestion??

feel like calling it R2~! =D
or call it RoRo. MUHAHAHA. someone gonna kill me! =P

HAHAHA or... RoDi.
smart enuff will know how this name comes abt.

k shall call it furby!! =D
directed from furball. =P

argh!~

2009-04-06T20:58:00.003+08:00

im a pessimist
im a sadist
im a emo-ist.

it's better to stay clear from me.

i hate it when i expose too much of myself.

i become
very reliant
very dependent

i hate ppl seeing me that way.

i want my walls back.
i want to be non-chalant.
i want to be or appear to be independent.
i want to be able to walk away easily
i want to be able to turn my back on anyone!

i want the source of joy to come from within
not from external
which i had been leaning towards to.

i dont wanna to get attach to anyone!!!!
NO ONE!!!

maybe i shld just stop msging her.
like.. really stop.

=))

2009-04-06T20:48:00.002+08:00

happiness is always shortlived.

but i hope...

it last as long as i want it to.

found a fren
kept as fren
last as a fren
=)

this simplicity of love and be love.
i enjoy, i like, i love.

to think she's my mum's generation.
muhahaha~

but sad thing abt human relations...
it disappeared..
when the time is up.
when the reason to be there is gone.
when the fate ends.
when u got to move on without that someone.

Team Dinner =))

2009-04-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

Group Pic 1Group Pic 2CK and Me. my partial - confidant!Me and Alvin ( Mr Chipmunk). haha! Kel Ley and Nelson (our TM)Maya and Khai (the tiny dangerous one + LOUD one)Shaiful and Lilian (the power cannon in our Team)*gobbles* see how clean the plates are!OverviewThe Food(s) LOL! super not worth!The desserts are nice!!! esp the tarts. yummy! The only best thing there. lol!!the people there. hmms. LAST but not least, my BOSS!!! xD

that's all for the pictures.
im glad i bring the cam. at least i've pics to reminiscence the good old times when i left the place. these are the people that bring joys and laughters at such a highly stress place. =)

IMO.
the food there is not worth the price but the ambience compensate for it. but still, to me is not worth.. it's as though a 5-star food center. i think it's much worth if to spend that amount of $$ spent there at somewhere avg but with much better and more varieties of food.
yaya, it's free food shldnt complain right?? but really not worth for the one footing the bills.

like WTF!

2009-03-31T22:03:00.005+08:00

sometimes i feel myself losing the grip.
sometimes i feel myself out of control.
sometimes i feel myself so emotional.
sometimes i feel.....
myself almost wanting to just give up.

i've yet to start doubting myself again
but seeing the rate it's running
perhaps, soon.

spoke to Kel ley.
told him i doubt abt my capabilities when he as a newbie
can actually bring in numbers at days i cant.
and he agreed.

seeing the rate i started at the beginning of this mth
seeing the rate i ran at the end of the mth
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!!?!

---

im upset becoz of my numbers.
i really tot im gonna get 0 at the end day.
im upset becoz of what is happening.
it SHLDNT or CANNOT happen to me.
im upset becoz of how i reacted to your harmless joke.
it not the right way to respond and im disappointed.
im upset becoz of what u commented abt the min target.
no one actually take it as a joke, esp me n LL.

the very reason why i get so upset abt the min thing becoz
that comment discredit us for our efforts put in and the seriousness we see it as.
it's as though u are trying to say this to us
:"u think u're here to sit and have fun?"
- thats frm worker's point of view.

but i also know...
if T isnt happy with the results and with min not hit
she can happily just say
:"Get rid of them!"
which in turn i believe u can do nth abt it when she's serious.!
the anger is a sign of fear and anxiety of losing anyone right?
thus that comment.
- thats frm your point of view.

but i believe...
though min target is impt and nt there for fun
one shld be judged on overall performance instead of one subject.
overall performance is the most critical
to judge if the person's a worker or a player.

so i believe, if one is a business-minded person
shld be able to see that clearly and make good judgements.

---

my knuckle pain like fuck! swollen n red!
the guys are nice enough to let me hit.
it vented out all that was trapped in my heart through pain.
i feel the relief at the end of it
even though the pain is like WTF!!
=))

---

it's no doubt, subconsciously, u created an invisible stress on me.
it's more of how to answer to you than myself.
it isnt your fault though but some times it just crippled me.
(it's especially why i dont like to befriend bosses.)

tested and proven, u matters much more than stress itself.

u always make me open up myself totally.
somehow i hate and love that!
hate becoz i dont hv things to keep to myself. (makes me feel bare)
love becoz i can open up to u like nobody's business. =)

but.. really thanks for those that you did and didnt do.
appreciate that!

i ever out of the blue sent u a "u keep me going" msg.
whether you give a thought abt it or not
and yes,
u're the one that keep me going.
u're the one that keep me motivated.

u may think it's stupid and nonsensical for all you want.
u may think it's like some worker trying to bootlick or whatsoever.

believe or not is up to u.

---

im tired. i need more peace and zzz

Lord, please give me that!
and to Her too! =)
thank you!

loved

2009-03-30T21:52:00.003+08:00

hohoho. chewy gummies from her =D
cant bear to eat sia. but do or die have to coz expire on 13apr. =/

hehe. her signature on the "spill water cup"
it's a paper weight ornament.

the mouse pad that comes with the cup.. to illustrate the cup spilling water effect on the mouse "table" pad. xD together with gummies on table!
-come! lets take a shot together- woohoo

oh.. and goddamit. i dropped the cup!!! =((( super uber heartbroken can.
the handle broke lo and im so damn distracted by it that i actually sneak down to popular to get the damn superglue!
cant stand the sight of broken handle, so die die also have to glue it back.
BUT THERE'S CRACKS ALREADY LAH!!!! PUI!!!
like having cracks in my heart. OUCH!

one thing to be glad abt. it's JUST the handle.
if it were the entire cup crashed into pieces...
hmm.. i think... *choi* coz it didnt happen so dont really know how i'll feel, but i think i'll cry.
yup. Noob shit. yes, CRY!

bleh! but still loved. =))) happy.

limitations

2009-03-28T22:29:00.002+08:00

perhaps it's exceed the limit i gave myself.

i've been giving way too much than i expect.
i dont know if it's right or wrong to do so
but im starting to feel......

something.... uneasy.

perhaps it's time for me to review my limit.

it's just me..
too me to start with..

i get too nice to people im attach to
which makes me do things over the norm limitations.
some times, i hate myself for that!

but but but...
it's been so long i really meet someone
that i really wish and want to know and understand... deeper...
and it's U, yes u didnt see wrongly.

happiness is short-lived.
so does friendship nowadays.
how long will the ship that i boarded keep sailing?
or will it just break down on me someday
and left me struggling in the middle of the sea?

and like i said
im hopefully skeptical.

thats me.
someone who has doubts
someone who feels insecure
someone who needs assurance
someone who wants truthful words
Every now and then.

there are also things that dont go thru words but thru understanding.
however, people do get the wrong cue, give the wrong signal, say the wrong words so how truthful is the cue, signal and words can be?
i hate sugar-coated stuffs as much as i like straighforwardness.
i hate guessing games as much as i like clear-cut words.

certain truth might hurt when it comes right into ur face
but it's always best off than living in denial and get hurt completely by lies.

dont know what's all this ramblings about
but i know im feeling shit inside.

qns, doubts, worries, uncertainty
u name it, i have it.

SIGH.

me to you

2009-03-27T22:14:00.003+08:00

will u open up yrself to me?
will u share with me more abt u?

i want to know u
i want to understand u

i want to be there
i want to be a fren

=))
this journey isnt a waste
because i met you!

for you

2009-03-27T00:11:00.002+08:00

i will always be there to listen

rain or shine.

a pledge till the end of time.

just me

2009-03-26T23:53:00.004+08:00

after being sick for one day
the suddenly numbness attacked me.

now i feel absolutely nothing.
i dont emo
i dont smile
im not feeling sad
im not feeling happy
nothing at all.

i think it feels more like a living zombie.

maybe that's good afterall
then i wont feel so much stress within.

i've abandon every emotions from my heart that i had been holding for some time.
the emotions that crippled me.
it's gone completely which make me wonder what shld i be feeling now?

i dont know and dont wish to think about it.
it's like pressing the refresh button.
the heart renewed. =)

or maybe it's time for me to be non-chalant.
turn back to my old self.
i want that back - when i care nothing at all!

lost of control

2009-03-24T21:18:00.003+08:00

it's a total lost of control.

i've channel too much stress into myself.
it nearly eat me up, break me down, slap me upside down.

i took too much things into consideration
too much into my brain.
i need to cut down
to where i started.

focus on my individual target
and monthly target. period.

all i need to have things right
is purely doing the best on my part.

as long as i did my ultimate best
the result doesnt matter.
it's the process that really counts.

i know i can do it!
yes i can, and will do it!

even if i fail, at least i tried my best
no regrets then. =))

first thing first
i need to prioritize my stress matter!

consistency

2009-03-20T20:41:00.006+08:00

consistently being worn out
consistently being stress
consistently trying to be as close as No.1
consistently trying to be happy
consistently trying to be motivated
consistently trying to maintain everything
consistently trying to be consistent.

it's really out of my control.
i've never tried being so consistent before.
it's never me to start with.

especially when my mood like a roller coaster, it hardly been consistent yet im doing everything to surpress it, to maintain its consistency.
i never been a consistent person.
it's never me to start with.

oh gosh!~
it's really tearing me apart.

can someone please tell me that i dont have to be so consistent all the time?

hmm

2009-03-18T23:10:00.001+08:00

u never know u're my motivation to work.

=) yes, u're!

i need a goal, yes.
the goal is your smile =)

it's more than enough.

the kind of reports. i love.

no words

2009-03-14T20:11:00.003+08:00

no words could describe:

the stress that im withstanding (its more than what i expect myself to handle, though still coping well)
the happiness that im having (working there)
the fun that im getting (with colleagues, boss and even with the food stalls ladies)
the friends that im making (boss, tm, colleagues and even the food stall ladies)

trust me when i say no words cld describe.
NO WORDS!

really appreciative of all that!
dear lord, im greedy. i want more!! =))
alright alright, i shld be self-contented! boo!

i pray day n night
that things will be smooth for all of us, esp HER.

when i say i really wish...
i mean REALLY wish to stay on as long as i can.

when i say i love...
i mean REALLY love everything that was given to me by this job.
(though i sometimes hate the job itself! hahaha but thinking of what it given me, i hate it lesser day by day.)

Thank Lord for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THINGS! =))

red.

2009-03-09T22:25:00.004+08:00

i teared abit when im so pissed off with N.
partly was affected by my number also.
its been god damn long that i kena the red zone la! TMD!

if i have been on and off getting Reds, i might not get so upset.
the impact might be much less because i anticipated it.
but because i didnt, it's really too much to swallow.

im so upset with myself though i shldnt have to.
i've got more than my own stress to bear.

however.. im really thankful for her to be there
when i almost nearly broke down crying like a baby.
she did make a good about turn for my emotions.
and that... THANK U.

but i really need a good cry to dissolve all my stress, to lighten my heart.

behind my smile, there's sorrow
behind my laughters, there's tears

who say they know me well?
proof it to me.

pain

2009-03-06T21:11:00.003+08:00

so now its official that she left.

it really seems like a whole damn betrayal to me.
if right from the start your decision is to leave,
why bloody hell put ppl into a tight spot and bring u through
yet end up having got to slap their own mouth?

it's so damn freaking inconsiderate.
you want attentions
SHE, they, tried giving to you..
HASNT SHE DONE MORE THAN ENOUGH to actually deserve such shits?

as a friend, it really pains me to see her going through these..
i wish i had more to offer..
but as life it is, there only these much i can do..

seriously,
i thought she would see that coming..
i thought she wont take it so hard..
i thought... perhaps i assume too much..

if i had know that impact is so huge,
i would have told her bits of it to..
at least let her have the gist of what's happening.
at least let her have some mental preparation.

now im wondering had she actually anticipated that?
i feel so bad now. SIGH.

drained

2009-03-03T21:37:00.004+08:00

FUCKING DRAIN AND EXHAUSTED!!!
DAMN!

this cannot goes on. i'll just give up totally, which i cant and i wont.

i need to get more sleep...

and its really....

DAMN MENTALLY TAXING!

stop giving me that SIAN face, it will affect me somehow! boo!

STAY FOCUS! for goodness sake!

and perhaps..
its been long that i have "ME" time.
i need some peace.

Lord, if i cant have peace outside, please bring me inner peace.
i need that badly. =(

doesnt pay to be nice

2009-02-28T22:56:00.003+08:00

it doesnt always pay to be nice.

feel kinda like a fool sometimes when u tried your very best to help yet that help is not really that necessary.
is it really stupid to be nice and helpful to ppl? esp in working society, i think self-survival is more impt than being helpful.

im more anxious than she is
im more stress than she is (appear with that not-that-impt-look)
im more worried than she is

i wonder, whatever im feeling at that moment, is it really worth it?
i feel cheated and played with, with that emotions turmoil that im going through.

i'll just let it slide this time.
if it were to happen again, i'll think not twice but thrice.

although im hopeful most of the time, part of me is still skeptical. period.

life

2009-02-23T23:06:00.003+08:00

some times life just make u feel so helpless so speechless...

alot of things are beyond our control...

there's alot you wish and hope you are able to do...

alot
alot

all i can is pray that things will be easier and better for you.
for that's something i can do...

Up To U

2009-02-21T20:29:00.003+08:00

work..

2009-02-20T21:49:00.006+08:00

have been tied and stressed up by work. (diff ppl have diff degree of stress)
with increasing targets etc.. and damn the stupid commotions in the little work place im in!
it's quite draining and taxing.

i envy H and L that they dont start with demanding targets to work with. i came in for 4mths and the target is like after they work for 1yr plus. it's almost getting the same lvl already.
sometimes i doubt abt myself if i can handle it well.

no doubt my stress tolerance lvl is high because i hardly feel stress/pressurised but i can somehow feel that bit of pressure now.

seeing the newbies come and go, i wonder where's their sense of responsibilites is.
in this line, either u came for the $$ or u want a satisfying job.
if u're not out for this two reasons, why the hell u come and disturb?
why the hell u come and waste each and every one's time and effort to train and guide u?
why even BOTHER to go for that interview??

if u ACCEPT that job, for god's sake, even if you dont like what u're doing,
please just do WHAT u're suppose to do and JUST DO IT.
else, just jolly well find another interview to go and not waste ppl's time.

does any one knows that it's damn fucking tiring and irritating
to actually support the board just by the 3 workers?

and the reason im here is because of my friend's introduce.
does any one actually know that sales line or telemarketing is the LAST job that i ever wanted to be in???
but to me, any job, u just have to do WHAT u're supposed to and given to do! that's work.

i truely understand how the hierachy works in my workplace though i think its quite similar to other Co.
but this work is really a TEAM game.. despite of the position u're in, it boils down as a team, it's all interlink and it affects not one but all of US.

i've nv been working as a team player before. all my temp job are more of individual's contribution like those "if u cant do it, it's ok, i can do it MYSELF!" unlike now, u have to perform as a team. no doubt it's still abt individual contribution but it isnt like if ur numbers cannot hit, u die alone. it's abt if ur numbers cannot hit, u dont die alone, u affect the team as well.

seriously i enjoyed being "needed", who doesnt? i like the fact that im contributing, really contributing. it's quite a satisfying job if u're able to hit targets.
so many temp job i've been in, somehow or rather, this is so far the place i actually:
WISH, HOPE, WANT to stay on to. (as least for a few more months)
and also a place which make my doubt about myself extremely, if im CAPABLE to stay on!
=(
(i really really want to stay till i really cannot stay)

it's not about the $$, honestly speaking, $$ is not impt to me. (maybe for now)
i can anyhow just find a stable job with avg income and stay on to.
i dont mind routine work, it's simple and peaceful to me yet another part of me love challenging stuffs.

it's always easy for me the throw in the resignation especially when my father keep telling me if it's too stress, find another job. go find something more stable and just stick to it.
he always say with the amount of time im spending there i might as well find other job which pay higher. now also not asking u to support the family, i just only want u to go out and see and brush up urself.
have some life training out there.

to me, working is not abt the pay, it's about the human touch there.
if the place and ppl are worth my effort to fight for, i'll jolly well do it.
not that im bragging but i know myself that i can be an effective worker if i want to be.
just that there are times im too lazy and complacent with my little effort.

seriously,
im driven by others.
i smile because of others
i work because of others
i live because of others.
i dont really like doing things for myself.
i find it redundant to do things solely for myself esp when im easily contented.
i just want to contribute to other's goals.

for now
i know i have to stay focus
i know i have to work harder
i know i have to do this and that
and
I WILL
for ur sake. =)

i hope to be one of those that share ur "burden" and be part of ur MAKING IT for this year!
no solid promise but i will definitely do what i can! =)

i've nv feel that much of togetherness at work as much as here.
really.
and im grateful and appreciate what i've been given.

Vday present

2009-02-14T21:50:00.000+08:00

the flower i make for her =))

sigh

2009-02-08T20:42:00.001+08:00

where is our quality time?
will i ever have a chance for it?

=/

i hate myself every now and then.

Considerations

2009-02-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

Examples of consideration for others are holding back from saying something unpleasant because it will upset another person, or giving up fishing because of the suffering it causes the fish.
We need to practice consideration whenever we are with other people by being mindful of how our behavior might disturb or harm them.

Our desires are endless, and some of them would cause other people great distress if we acted on them.
Therefore, before we act on a wish, we should consider whether it will disturb or harm others, and if we think that it will, we should not do it.
If we are concerned for the welfare of others, we will naturally show them consideration .

Consideration for others is important for everyone.
If we are considerate, others will like and respect us, and our relatoinships with our family and friends will be harmonious and long lasting.
Without consideration for others, however, relationships quickly deteriorate.
Consideration prevents others from losing faith in us and is the basis for developing a mind of rejoicing.

importance

2009-02-06T22:37:00.002+08:00

first impression really nt important.
what matters is deep down how the person is.
u always get things u least expected.

i appreciate what comes along.
really appreciate and grateful that i met these people and thankful that those things happen.
it just add on experience in my growth and more understanding and insight.

im only give myself time to be down only when i know i can depend on ppl ard me to give support.
if ppl ard me are down, no matter what, i wont let myself be down instead i'll put away my own problems away and try my very best to lift their spirits up.

i realise the importance of having someone to be there for that certain moments.
im grateful for those who had been there and done that and i'll try my utmost best to be there and done this.

i understand the need to have someone to talk to
i understand the importance of having someone to be there
i hope to have that myself so im trying to be that myself too.

i just want ppl ard me to be happy especially with my presence. =)

i hope u're holding on strong.
time is all that everyone needs.
dont worry, u're not alone and u can have my hands to hold, shoulder to cry, body to lean on.

every endings come new beginning =)

stupified

2009-02-04T21:36:00.003+08:00

i might have been over reacting.
but that just me.

WHATEVER STATED BELOW IS JUST PURE RAMBLINGS AT THIS POINT OF TIME.
it doesnt reflect what i feel everyday.

i hate to be told not able to do some thing which i actually ENJOY EXTREMELY.
even to the expense of "wasting" whatever it might be.
u steal away my happiness. that is.

hit me RIGHT at the weakest spot
and what u get is a vulnerable me.
denial, emotional, illogical, nonsensical, irrational, unreasonable, UNBELIEVABLE.

only this yr dec
i renew my faith. i did blog though.
i choose to open up, choose to believe, choose to make changes, choose to CHANGE everything.
I CHOOSE TO because u brought me faith.

it's been 5yrs or more that i stopped FEELING yet i chose to do so now.
i haven been treating ppl nice for so long. along that 5yrs, i actually toughen up myself to be not affected by EVERY single thing. everything is just NOTHING to me. even new colleagues, new friends.
now i open up slowly, break off that wall of mine bits by bits till its bare and yet im hit so damn easily.
too sensitive, too easily hurt, too emotional. TOO WEAK!

any one will actually believe that im weak?
doubt so. im a typical CRAB. hard on the outside. soft on the inside.

i reacts greatly to what said/done to me.
sad to say, i nv change.. from sec sch to now. doom.

it might just be a small matter which i SHLDNT even be sad abt
but my heart just cant helped it. too weak.
it just get upset the way it wants though my brain told me nt to do so.
too fragile. too fragile. too fragile.

it's true that i dont know how to handle.
i dont know how to face.
im borned to run away from my feelings once i got hit.
just escape n hide to no man's land. thats me.

maybe i shld just turn back my old self.
keep my heart to myself.
stop feeling anymore.
stop being nice.
stop believing.
stop trusting.
start building up walls.
start to be non-chalant.
start being hard-up.

i understand where u're coming from. i get what u mean. i just need time to adjust myself.

not that u're wrong doing so.
its just that emotions is getting the best of me at this moment.
i just cant help it. it lost control.

thats me blog

2009-02-02T22:51:00.002+08:00

whatever i posted in my yours truly blog
it's always at that moment of time of what i am feeling.
at THAT moment only. it doesnt carried forward.

my blog
is just all about my emotional ups n down.

just like myself.
it fluctuates ALOT.

never constant.
and changes is the only thing that's constant.

sigh

2009-02-01T19:30:00.002+08:00

im just a
weakling.
failure.
loser.
goner.
ultimately
useless.

i hate myself.
really.

^^

2009-01-31T23:59:00.002+08:00

MJ-ed. same place.
watched soccer and dozed off at the sofa.
supper at nearby coffeeshop. will get phobia of fishballs.
cabbed home. reached home 5+am

tired is the word.
worn-out is another word.
=) is an expression.

everything's more than words.
its hard to explain but i guess i know what im doing.

是你

2009-01-31T00:03:00.001+08:00

不知痴情要怎么旋转有多少个方向
每一个温柔总有点茫茫然
飘摇在风中的寂寞啊无处靠岸
谁来点燃我内心里冷冷的微光

若不是你若不是你
我怎么会有什么等待有什么盼望
若不是你若不是你
心怎么会有什么纠结有什么惆怅

是你是你
是你无情的目光灼伤了我的心
是你是你
是你淡漠的口吻粉碎了我的情

歌手：潘美辰

MJ, SING! =D

2009-01-27T23:17:00.000+08:00

kena scolded like shit by my mother just coz
i went ahead to play MJ at wl's hse despite her disagreement.
MJ-ed from 5 till 10+ LOL! if no work sure can marathon!

got nagged by my father just coz
i went partyworld with A,WL,JW till 3am in the morning and he's still awake waiting for me to reach home.
its fun fun fun!!! not bad not bad, it's oldies time. sing until almost no breathe but it's enjoyment!
Hey, guys, i want more K-ing session, can can?? =D

HAHA!
im so so so gotta start a family meeting regarding my own rights.
im 21, not 12. i need my BREATHING SPACE!!!
the more im controlled, the more rebellious i am. it's true and a fact. i know myself.
free me and then i will know what is home.

i really cant stand everyday after work just go home and rot and slp.
it will be ok if ive nth to do or im really tired that day or wadsoever.
but i still need my socialising time!! boohoo!!!
slp is important i know but i need my play time as well.
cant be asking to waste my time sleeping my life away when life is so short!
i can slp all my might when i drop dead in the coffin man. tsk!!

i was thinking if im to lead a normal life as what he expect, who is there to play with me??
friends my age are either working or studying in the Morning till NOON!
only time to enjoy, relax and chill is evening till late night.
so tell me.. go home SLEEP n watch tv or to go out and meet friends and Catch up??
TV can watch anytime, Sleep can sleep anytime (whenever u have nth to do).

Friendship need quality time to maintain.Not quantity.
each have their own life, you think want to meet then can meet?
so of coz meet whenever possible lar!!
how can control me till such when im a 重情义 person!!

i dont know how long whichever friendship i tried to build will last
but i treasure every moment spent together especially those with lots of fun n laughters, especially.
im not into quantity friends(some ppl do just enjoy having LOTS of friends), im into quality ones.
i dont like sweet talkers around me, i love serious advisors.

my father always say friends dont last, friends cant be trust..
but when u first dont trust, dont believe it will last, dont put in effort..
WHICH friendship will ever last???? tell me?
i dont mind taking the first step even in the end i might be at the losing end.
i know what i want. im all out to believe whichever things i believe in will make me happy.
i trust my heart because it hardly disappoint me. =)

i go the extra mile, put in extra effort because i found some quality friends through my workplace.
i think they are worth for keeps but how it might last, nobody knows. who knows the future?
i know i enjoy their company even though somtimes im the WEIRDEST person there being such a QUIET ass.
i do believe the best company doesnt really need to be talking all the times. some times just being there and be part of it, it's also one of the life's pleasure.
i always believe whoever u meet in life, there's a reason for them to be there.
so far it's been an eye-opener for me to know more things, gain more insight.
more importantly, i saw/hear/learn things i never know last time.
last, i still can continue my belief that i once almost gave up in, that SOME guys are still good. =)

im skeptical, im sensitive, im doubtful, im insecure
but above all, im extremely hopeful.

朋友不需要多
好朋友几个就好

complex

2009-01-24T22:01:00.006+08:00

its true that im a little impatient this time round.
but it's something like so near yet so far.
it's even harder to swallow such facts.

will u ever signal that im on the right track?
will u ever show that i just got to hold on and keep believing?
will u ever tell me that my wish will come true, some day?

will i ever know what u're thinking or feeling?
will i ever stand a chance to hold a place somewhere there?
will i ever be able to tell u how much you meant?

with no light guiding my path, i felt so lost doing every single little thing.
it's as though im walking in a pitch dark room with lots of obstacles cant be seen, bound to get bump some day.
it's all feel like wishful thinking, just purely being stupid and indulge in my own fantasy.
which afterall i dont really like doing.

im doing all these now just because im keeping my faith.. holding on..
that someday, u will know that someone's liking u truthfully.

i dont mind doing silly things because that's just me when i like someone.
i dont mind being at the losing end because thats just me when i like someone.
i dont mind giving unconditionally because thats just me when i like someone.

thats just me when i like someone
genuinely unconditionally silly.

BUT.. it's suffocating me. :'( sobs
and i do care abt how u reacts. =((

Get to know yourself More

2009-01-24T17:21:00.002+08:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

you

2009-01-23T20:58:00.002+08:00

thats exactly what im feeling towards u. =)
sad to say, u mean the world to me now. but u never know.

dream

2009-01-22T22:22:00.004+08:00

weird dream again.

he held my arm when we walking out through the glass door.
then i felt weird so i walked further abit..
then dont know what happen, he "chu" pattern..
i turned around and asked in turn got scolded by him
say what, u know me through XX and i keep talking to him. =/
then quarrel, then i walked off.

he didnt even chased loR!!! wth! haha.

drama-mama dream. goodness.
such dreams can really tired u, u know. LOL!

bliss

2009-01-21T22:27:00.004+08:00

coz i smelt someone cooking egg fried bread
after sniffing the smell i felt hungry
plus didnt eat the entire day except for that biscuit and coffee in the morning.
i said i wanted eat also. haha. my father went cook for me.
happy! filling! enjoy! =)

family members is always the best!

i shld be contented, extremely content with what i have.
really. =))
to top it up,
im an easily contented person.
just Care n Concern.

dream

2009-01-18T22:27:00.002+08:00

i dreamt that he sms me one super displeasure msg
which underlying meaning is to stop be-friending me.

the emotions was so real that i was jock awake by it.
even when im awake i still feel tinge of sadness. =/

time-off

2009-01-17T23:10:00.002+08:00

have a break, have a kit-kat.

im calling for a break, a retreat.
time to find myself back.
time to head back into my shell.
time to slow everything down.

it's been the most taxing experience ever.
creating and grabbing at the same time.

i've always trying very hard to follow your footsteps
but i realise im always lagging behind.
the more i chase, the further u ran.
will u ever turn your head back and give me a glance?
and to give my existence a stand?

im not giving up yet
but i really need a breather
before i really turn insane.
the worse emotional roller coaster ever.

goodbye miss nice, till then.

come what may.
He will show me the path, guide me along.

reminder

2009-01-16T00:40:00.003+08:00

有点气，有点累但还是喜欢。就是喜欢那真实的你

pure liking is ok i believe.
as long as nth too stupid happening den shld be right, isnt it?

when i like someone my inner voice always try to devour me.
make me like illogical person, some emo freak and think this n that and assume.

i guess it's just human reaction when u like someone.
nevertheless, my brain having the best of me recently.

so im still mentally, emotionally sound.
just hope it dont caught me off guard and mind start to wonder ard and do stupid things again.

enough of childish act.
time to react and handle like an adult.

but sometimes....
feelings is so irrational. MUAHAHAHA.

over-emo

2009-01-13T23:00:00.003+08:00

sometimes i just cant handle my own emotions.
but now i dont show it out anymore.
i'll just keep to myself, emo to myself, get pissed off with myself.

not showing out partly because people wont even bother.
so who am i showing it to?
if i were to show it out, i want someone who really cares and bothers to be at my side.
not just some tom, dick n harry who just want to kpo what im thinking/feeling and doesnt really bothers abt me.

recently i then realise sitting alone outside and getting freezed is one of the way for me to calm my uneasy heart down.
somehow or other it just "frozen" whatever im feeling upset about.
i enjoy the cold breeze at the open space below my office building.
sitting alone there really make me felt PEACE.

the very first time i sit alone in a chilling weather was last yr christmas eve.
for some reason, i went back UE SQ.
for some other reason, i just sit at starbucks alone with the little drizzling going on.
it's such a freaking cold eve. -__-"

the second time was yesterday.
hidayah was with me at first but left after that.
being me, i didnt want to go home yet unless i feel settled. so i sit alone again.
for some reason, im emo.
for some other reason, im angry.
for more more reason, my mood riding on me and make me so crippled.

i cant do anything, cant say anything, to anyone, anybody.
overly surpress of what i wanted to actually blabber out, i felt helpless.
affected by the negative stuffs in my team, worse still Special one aint helping.
so i choose the last alternative but to freeze myself in the cold weather.

i need solitude.

thats it

2009-01-12T23:02:00.004+08:00

i think my liking is more of a hinder than anything else.
i sees it.
i feel it.
i sense it.
and
no choice
but to acknowledge it.

fine. goodbye my like.

thats it lar.
just gotten freeze again alone at United Sq.
maybe i shldnt even make a damn move at all.

you thrown me down a bottomless pit.

i'll be fine.

happy =)

2009-01-09T23:08:00.003+08:00

had team dinner at clark quay's pump room.
the place was alright and i like their desserts damn lots. super duper yummlicious can!! xD
but the lobster soup was.. nt that good. STEAK ROCKS! haha. though my father ask me not to touch beef i still love it! sorry mr cow.

midnight show later on.
watched Red Cliff II, this time round wasnt as "tiring" as watching RC I. nevertheless, the graphics was good. plot was good. humour is there still. It's really a good show! *claps*
the company i had was awesome too! =)) A, WL, WT, E, JW.

walked all the way to Cine for supper at XW cafe.
they ate though coz dont really have the habit of eating so heavy in the early morning.
stayed there till ard 6 coz evelyn wanted to take train home.
for the totally no strength me, i cabbed home, again. hahaha. i getting broke just by cabbing alone but i think it's still worth it lar =)).

was happy like bird when he asked! =x

dream

2009-01-04T23:18:00.002+08:00

i think i really daylight dreaming early in the morning.
all i can recall is i dreamt of him..
he was sitting down using his hp and i was wondering why didnt he reply my sms.
a moment later, my hp beeps and i received his sms regarding something i asked "last night".
i think i was asking him some stuffs and he replied something like:
life is ..... ..... ....., 100%.... ..... .... (i hate nt remembering the details)
if im not wrong is smth abt me looking on the bright side and stop worrying kind of msg.
for that instance i felt so 欣慰.

i dont know why but it felt so real, so close.
and somehow i have been worrying abt those 有的没的 kind of stupid stuffs.
that "sms" really came at the right time.

its nothing special but i just wanna keep track of my dream. =)

hope u're having fun.
m.y.

confess not.

2009-01-01T22:35:00.003+08:00

usually i'll tell whoever that im liking at that moment that i like them.
be it crush or really like, im always honest with my feelings.
so honest that it hurt so much for the very last time i confessed.
ever since then i kept my heart close to myself so as not to get myself bruise all over again.
i started fearing, worrying, contemplating if i should be honest and after all i've been through i chose to hide under my turtle shell and be a turtle.

sigh. thats quite pathetic.

my heart can never handle anymore hurts. it's been torn million and one times apart through events after events, it just got worsen. the last thing i ever want is to get another sour relationships with friends.
the stronger i appear to be actually the weaker my heart is.
however, the more i fear, the more i'll missed the chance to get stuffs i want.
so how? tell me about it man.

im so tired.

missing you

2009-01-01T21:31:00.004+08:00

will u ever feel the way i feel?
will u ever understand how am i feeling?
那种
有话说不出。。
有苦不能言。。
告白不能讲。。
i dont enjoy things to turn sour but i dont know how to make it end better.
plus i dont really know how to prevent it if i were to confess.
im most afraid that the problem might lies with my feelings and reactions
but im so uncertain of how you will react.
could you assure me that things will be alright even if i say it out?
could you assure me that things will be the same as usual?
i always feel insecure. i always tend to worry. i always assume. i always fear.
its not everything that u can feel the fear and do it anyway.
there's consequences to bear. troubles to solve. things to worry.

but for you, i'll just try to ignore my inner voice so that i wont cause any unnecessary attentions that trouble you. i dont wish to be a hinder in ur life or even a pest and i dont wish to make things difficult for you, all because i do care what u are going through.
我不想把我心欢你的问题
变成让你困扰的问题
我只想默默的守在你身旁
看你开心，陪你悲伤
nothing more. ur presence is more than enough. im should be contented, i tell myself to be.

New Year

2008-12-31T23:54:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year to all of you!!

my colleagues are now enjoying themselves in Thailand!! boohoo!!
so sad the both of them, Weilun and Junwei left UOB alr. sigh.
i bet my working days will be as boring as a cow working in the farm. -_-"

they are just like radio there, always so entertaining and noisy in a good way.
at least it kept me human other than facing the computer 24/7.

now im so gonna to adapt days without laughters. =/
i know i will survive.
i should be able to concentrate more and focus more of my pockets. BOO!

ur presence

2008-12-30T23:52:00.005+08:00

sometimes it's just the presence that matters with regardless of where you are, what you are doing, its all about who you are with
i appreciate every moment shared together. =)

thanks

amk

faith in human renewed.

2008-12-28T23:46:00.003+08:00

sometimes u just need those good old friends to be there to actually make u realise there's still this word called "FRIENDS".

the bond between one and another is so hard to build in times like this. especially out of the innocent secondary sch days, when all people come from different aspect of life and they had been through different things and having different idealogy as you.

though there are times i dont understand why sec sch friends remains much more closer to heart than people you met at different junctions.
lets say sec sch u've got 4years to be together but how about poly u've got 3years, Uni u've got 3-4years and worse, working for a couple of Years but ultimately u still end up with your sec sch friends being the closest. i dont void out the possibility that you cld actually find close friends in the later two i mentioned but u'll still find that those u manage to keep in contact till now during sec sch days will be much closer and comfortable.

what i meant close is those u can be yourself, no restriction, no boundaries just pure simple of fun and more fun.....

not that i want to make comparison among different aspect of people but it isnt good to keep yourself in denial that all people are the same, all people are kind and nice, all people ARE friends. times and again you need time for yourself to reorganise your thoughts, your life, your judgements or maybe even your friends to see what you had been through, what u have gotten as of now, what you had give and shared and most impt what your life had been going on!

is it so hard to reach out to new people?
for all i know as of now, it's so exhausting and mind straining to meet and understand new people. u tend to be more protective of yourself than ever and along the way u start closing yourself up in order to keep urself sane. the more new ones u meet, the more kind of "faces" you got to put up and pretend which in terms u lose yourself in the long run.

speak their words? crap.
i dont really enjoy the process of losing myself and having to wear a mask to everyone i see and speak their bullshit. i need serenity in myself. i dont enjoy people to mess up my beliefs or to even change my beliefs. i am who i am. im trying hard to keep myself as compose as ever. im so gotta learn to be myself again. myself and the new self combine shld be a greater me. =)

although im trying to start loving everyone again but do grant me some stress-free new good friends, i'll be glad and appreciate that. spare me from those buzzers. i dont need such ppl to come mess up my life. quality is more worth that quantity =))

good o'times are rare so its best to treasure everytime u get to enjoy it.
each have their own individual life but the effort to meet up is much appreciated.
i know i've my good o'friends, my buddies.
i shld be feeling happy, contented, fortunate, blessed.
thank you for being there from then till now. our friendship road is still a "comma" and it will continue to be so. =)

simple is fun

2008-12-28T23:09:00.006+08:00

today met up with meow,chuanhung,changjian to E!hub to play bowl. initially wanted to meet them when they started playing but in the end the postpone the time and ended up i have to play. =/ didnt want to waste money at first but seems like nth beats the company.

CJ as usual as crappy and as Kiam Pa seeing him. lolx. i think we are born loggerheads in our past life. it never fails everytime we meet up. haha! still, he cracks me up =)

had great time bowling. it's been so long since i last bowled. hmm.. perhaps a few yearS? lol!!
while waiting for our turn as it's peak hours, customers filled the bowling alley, we went to play arcade first. basketball.. woohoo. my favourite. then they played theirs.

tell u what, our bowl was pathetic. the lane beside us always have super bowlers. damn pro can. hurrhurr. feel so intimidated. ROARS! nevertheless we had our fair share of funs even though we swept the drains for quite some time. xD im so gonna master the basic of bowling in time to come. boohoo. =))

time was short but the greatness is more than anything else. =)

happy birthday boonsheng! =)

2008-12-27T23:35:00.002+08:00

had a little gathering at boon's hse. it is his 21st bday. now finally after so long he's officially 21!!! hahaha.

he really had alot of relatives and friends. if u're there u can see how crowded it is..
the few loads of us played card games and self entertain ourselves. the ever so busy host is always walking around. i think all of us are too comfortable with each other than we really "self-service" xP

happy birthday boonsheng! finally!! 21st!! haha =)

xmas lunch @ office

2008-12-24T22:58:00.007+08:00

^^
my gift to him
early in the morning i reached office, i realised he's nt there yet so i decided to do mailer as the mailer bag is near his desk.
*placed the envelop of xmas card and his handphone accessory and that bottle of present on his desk*
:pls inform him to keep the present in standing position. thanks.
-off i go- haha. feeling a little excited and paiseh. hehe.

bad thing is
he been playing with his phone making calls but he didnt reply me right after i msg him abt the card and gifts.
i think its that ego-ness playing a thing and like wad pat say, unsincere ba but he did reply eventually. =/

after the whole lunch thing, pat wanted to go buy her marshmallow so we went toilet first. actually i dun wanna leave first one coz i still waiting for his gift leh!!!
i think ...

his gift for me
*he saw i left so he went over to my desk and place the gift on the tray*
:u left ah..i place your small little gift on your tray.
-off he goes back to his desk-
and when all along he could pass it to me face to face..perhaps he paiseh also. LOL!

went back office, grab the gift and off we go. wheeewheee... =D

my keychain!!! xD nice right? teehee

dbl o

2008-12-21T23:49:00.002+08:00

silly goose. =x
=)))))
more than words

chipmunk

2008-12-21T00:28:00.006+08:00

i went bugis to get his handphone accessory.
and little leather strap with his name A... on it. ^^

saw him in bugis. but is with kawaii lar. but still.. nvm.. =))
at least got some acknowledgement. not like see act never see and walk away. =p

Quotes

2008-12-14T16:45:00.002+08:00

quotes from famous Chinese philosopher:-

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Lao-tzu/
http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Confucius/
http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Sun-tzu/

老子
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/24039
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/7337

孔夫子
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/23839
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/24055
http://www.confucius.org/

孟子
http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/24178
http://www.guoxue.com/jinbu/13jing/mengzi/13j_mzml.htm

庄子
http://www.zhuangzi.com/zzzb/index.asp

first dinner

2008-12-12T20:03:00.002+08:00

i suppose today is the first time we dine together with other friends.
i'm rather happy to be sitting beside him for dinner at IRAS there the chicken rice shop.
then to be sitting beside him at the UOB pub there.

i dont ask for much. presence and comfort is enough.
i just dont want anything to be awkward. =)

complicated

2008-12-12T12:08:00.005+08:00

its hard to explain from here
its hard to understand from there
its hard to feel it anywhere.

just there
right here
its somewhere

sigh.
hate this feeling, yearn for your presence.

u dont sms me but at least u reply.
shld at least be contented.

我想深入的了解你！.....
我想我再次动心了！.....

A million stars

2008-12-12T11:58:00.002+08:00

Sometime, words can't say how i feel right now.

Looking up at the starry sky,
i wonder what goes beyond there.

Which angel was there watching you
when you laugh with joy?
Which angel was there holding you
when you fall or cry?

And what tune will you listen to as
you recall everything good or bad?

Tonight, I will be listening.
To my ears, my music and to my heart.

[self edited] kopped from Ice blog. original version go Ice's blog.